Pikachu Fan Mail
by Ryu Shoten
Summary: Another PokemonFoamy Xover! M for language.
1. Chapter 1

The first of many in fan mail!

Disclaimer: Pokémon and Neurotically Yours belong to their respective owners.

Pokémon Fan Mail 1

Pikachu: Okay this cartoon is going to be dedicated to your fan mail. That's right! I've been getting a lot of fan mail and sometimes I feel the need to respond in kind to some of the nifty comments that I receive. So let's start with this one:

Dear Pikachu  
Your last cartoon was disappointing I think you could do a lot better… "Blah Blah Blah

Signed  
Some Shmuck.

Well here's my response:  
Dear Asshole  
You can go fuck yourself because I don't give two shits about what you think. If you got shot in the head today by your own mother I wouldn't care. I hope you grow up to have many children, and each one of them have their throats slit and have their guts taken out of their own body and smeared down your throat.

How do you like that!

What I find disappointing is your lack of creative sentence-structure within your email; you are a poor example of a human being. Have a nice day, thank you for watching and please come again.

Sincerely yours   
Your Lord and Master  
Pikachu

Next letter!

Dear Pikachu

Your cartoons are funny and I like that red-headed chick.

Okay, well it's a short letter and I appreciate it non-the-less.

Dear short letter writer  
Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it and I wish nothing bad on you.  
Thank you and please come again.

Signed  
"Your Lord and Master"  
Pikachu

Next Letter!.. wooo next letter oh yeah! Okay let's see what we've got here…

Dear Pikachu 

Your stories are stupid, I don't like you and how come that red-headed chick in your cartoons is never naked?

Well… 

Dear Cock-sucker

You are a complete moron for the following reasons:  
1.) you have no sense of humor  
2.) you want to see a person naked who doesn't really exist.  
It's just a few frames of animation. Are you out of your mind? Are you completely stupid? Are you living in a complete fantasy land where all you want to see is naked cartoons, are you completely out of your mind!

Signed sincerely  
Your Lord and Master  
Pikachu the Great

Alright lets see… this one better be good I'm getting sick of this.

Dear Pikachu  
Let's see, ya, blah blah blah blah… naked naked naked naked naked, why does everyone want to see this girl naked? Throw out burn, burn, burn, burn…. 

(Pikachu scrunches up letter and throws it off screen)

Dear Pikachu ahh..  
I live in a cave, and I still manage to see your cartoons via the "inter-web" via satellite, through my cell phone delivered by camel.

(shows a man with a turban pointing at a laptop, in a cave)

Cave dweller: That Pikachu is so fucking funny!

(goes back to Pikachu)

Dear Cave Dweller  
I appreciate that you like the cartoons and hope that you find some suitable habitat to live in.

Thank you for your letter  
"Your Lord and Master"  
Pikachu.

Ahhh… alright you know what! I'm done with this shit, you know you people and your fan mail. You know I can't please everybody man! Alright? Just leave me alone!

(END)

Cave Dweller: Oh praise Allah he's written back to me!


	2. Postage Due

Disclaimer: I can't believe I have to do this every time I write these things. Pokémon and Neurotically Yours belong to their respective owners.

Pikachu Fan Mail 2

Postage Due

Pikachu:   
Alright.. aghh… You people and your fan mail. You know I came out I did the thing and responded to some of your fan mail. And all of a sudden I get more mail, and everyone's like "I want to see another Pikachu fan mail!" So let's just start, cut the crap and get right to it OK!.

Dear Pikachu

I would like this letter to be in a "Pikachu fan mail".

Well there you go…ah Great, "aren't our goals really high!" (sarcastic tone) Don't we have such high expectations of ourselves.

Let me respond to this:

Dear Person clambering for attention

Your Letter was in a "Pikachu Fan Mail" aren't you proud of yourself, your life goal has been met. You can go kill yourself now; because everything you do after this will amount to nothing!

Thank you for writing

Your Lord and Master  
Pikachu

Eheheh.. next letter. (disgusted tone)

You know, Pokémon aren't even supposed to read but I'm doing this as a favor!

Dear Pikachu

I Live in Sweden and I watch your cartoons repeatedly. Almost to the point of being nauseated. I like your cartoons and thank you.

Whoahoho look at that…

Dear Swiss-Miss

I thank you for your letter, I appreciate also the fact that your country puts out some half-way decent musical bands, unlike here where we just keep producing the same swill month after month! The fucking boy bands all this other nonsense I am getting so sick of this pop crap!

Thank you for watching.  
Your Lord and Master  
Pikachu

Ahh here we go another letter, another letter... ah maybe this one will be in English…

Dear Pikachu

I liked your first "Pikachu fan mail" if you do another Pikachu fan mail I don't think it's going to be as good as the first one.

Alright.

Dear Oracle

What do you think?

Signed  
Your Lord and Master  
Pikachu 

(Pikachu pokes a moldy bagel and from the first episode of Pikachu fan mail he looks disgusted)

Alright next letter! (starts to sing) Next letter dododododo next letter, next letter doodododo!

Dear Pikachu

You have been in a lot of cartoons and I have still yet to see the red-headed chick naked. 

Whoooaa!!! I knew it was only a matter of time until I got one of those stupid "I have to see the red-headed chick naked" fuckin' letters man!

(Pikachu flips the audience "the bird")  
I am so sick of this.

Dear horny maggot.

I am so sick of your species looking at anything that has an ass. If you want to see naked cartoons go to any Japanese animation site. Read my lips the cartoon you are watching is not real, the red-headed chick in this cartoon does not exist. You are lusting over something that is non-existent. You can just jerk off in a comic book for all I care! I hope you get a paper cut on your nuts and they fall off. How do you like that you fucking freak!

Signed  
Your Lord and Master  
Pikachu

P.S. Thank you for watching

Do I have time left or am I just going to shoot myself because of everybody's stu-pid-it-y (Pikachu looks at his watch)

Dear Pikachu

I like that cartoon where you were singing and dancing, please do it again.

(Pikachu sings this letter) 

Dear Song Boy

I am singing right now, but you don't know it! Because I am typing in a computer. I'm answering your email, it's just some text but you don't know the rest! Cause' I'm singing, how do you like that!

Signed  
Your Lord and Master  
Pikachu

P.S. Thank you for watching

dadadadad choo (stops singing)

Okay, that's all I'm doing, because anytime a sequel is done it usually sucks! Okay, and if this sucks it's your fault, not mine! You wanted to see it, not me!

I hope you all get paper cuts… aghh God!

(END)


	3. Return to Sender

Disclaimer: Pokémon and Neurotically Yours belong to their respective owners.

Pikachu Fan Mail 3

Return to Sender

Pikachu: Okay this is going to be the last "Pikachu fan mail" I do. You want to know why, because I'm sick of it okay. I'm fucking sick and tired of these constant letters, of nonsense. So this is it, don't email me anymore for anymore Pikachu fan mail because the fucking fan mail is fucking dead! (Pikachu holds a small Pikachu which is thoroughly dead with a noose tied around it's neck) Okay! Dead!

Now this is the last one so I'm going to get straight to the letter so that you can fucking leave me alone! Okay.

I just want to spend my weekends in a tree, hurling nuts at people. I don't want to have to come in here every Saturday morning to deal with your fucking fan mail, alright!

Dear Pikachu

I was disappointed with your last three cartoons. They weren't as good as the other cartoons and I keep waiting patiently for a cartoon to be good. 

Ohoh.. Great we've got fucking Siskel & Ebert here! 

Dear Ebert

Here's what you do with your two thumbs up; you stick them up your ass and die!

Your Lord and Master   
Pikachu

Alright, next letter.

Dear Pikachu

I don't want to see the red-headed chick naked, but I do however want to see you naked.

Eheheh (Pikachu shudders) Okay we're dealing with a sick fuck here!

Dear Poké-phile 

You're the sickest bastard I have ever encountered in my entire life:

1.) Pokémon are always naked  
2.) Wanting to see Pokémon is illegal in all 48 states with the exception of maybe Texas, and I think some other southern state. 

But if you live there then it's okay, but if you're outside those legal boundaries Ill have to call the Poké-phile section of the F.B.I. and they'll be at your door shooting you in the head.  
Thank you for your letter and thank you for watching YOU SICK FREAK.

Your Lord and Master  
Pikachu

I feel so dirty.

Dear Misty.. Whoa, wo wo wo! (Scrunches up letter and throws in corner) This is "Dear Pikachu" this is not "Dear Misty" you want to fucking write her a letter, you write her a letter! I do not take her messages!

Fucking bastards 

Dear Pikachu

In that cartoon "5 More Minutes" did you ever get your bagel?

What kind of stupid fucking question is this?!

Dear stupid question writer

None of your damn business.

(Next letter)

I don't know who you are but I saw this link on the website and I'm writing to you just for the sake of writing, hello. Hi my name is…What the fuck? Man they're all coming out of the woodwork today!

Dear miss-guided youth

Stop randomly clicking on websites because you'll never know where you'll end up. Before you know it you'll be having your mind warped by sick little cartoons and you don't need that.

Signed  
Your Lord and Master  
Pikachu  
(next letter)

Dear Pikachu.. wha ree, forget it! That's it, that's all I'm doing no more fucking mail okay! I don't do no more fan mail! Get on with your life okay! Don't you people have fucking better things to do than write to a Pokémon!? Write to your mother okay, she doesn't know where you've been!

(END) 

Pikachu: No more Pikachu Fan Mail so stop writing!


	4. Burn, Baby, Burn

Disclaimer: Pokémon and Neurotically Yours belong to their respective owners.

Pikachu Fan Mail 4

Burn, Baby, Burn

Okay apparently you people are not getting the point! When I said "This is the last Pikachu Fan mail" I expected "oh okay the letters will stop" they'll get it they'll listen to me, no apparently you people just don't get it.

You people don't understand that the idea gets stale after a while; you can't keep answering emails over and over and over!

Because the reason it gets stale is not because I'm not funny, it's because your emails are redundant (points at audience)

I've separated all my emails here (there are three piles of emails in front of Pikachu)

Pile one, the worst pile of all! This pile is just constant letters of wanting to see things naked in the cartoons.

This is the other pile which says I'm totally cool and I'm awesome and I kick ass, all very true… but what am I going to do? Respond to each one of them?

The third pile! Probably the most irritating pile… The pile where "the fans"… the fans and their ideas! Stuff, you know story ideas where people want me to get a girlfriend or people want Misty to get with Ash or Brock… now let me tell you something straight off about the girlfriend/boyfriend scenario:

1.) it's predictable  
2.) Every time I've ever watched a cartoon and all of a sudden a "significant other" is introduced to the main characters life the whole thing falls apart. Like a fucking shattered stain-glass window in a church.

Let's make it as clear as day, that there will be no more Pikachu fan mail, and here's how I do it, you see these letters…

(Pikachu appears behind the pile of fan letters with a small bottle)

Wrrreet! Lighter fluid! woo

(Pikachu starts to douse the letters with the lighter fluid)

Yep that's right.. whoo

(Pikachu is holding a small book of what later turns out to be matches)

And what do we have here!

It's a fucking pack of matches!!! Wheee matches! Fire on a stick! Wohoo hoo hoo hoo!

(Pikachu lights a match)

Hut…

(Pikachu set's the letters alight, a wall of flame envelopes the room except for Pikachu who stands safely in front of the flame)

There you go, see setting the place on fire! Ha ha!!

Burn, Burn! There is fire everywhere!

Why can't you people accept that!

You have invoked the Pikachu wrath that has destroyed the fan mail! 

(END)


	5. Ashes to Ashes

Disclaimer: Pokémon and Neurotically Yours belong to their respective owners.

Pikachu Fan Mail 5

Ashes to Ashes

All I have to say is never sign a contract you don't understand, alright?!

"Dear Pikachu,..."

Oh god..._agonizing sigh_...why are people doing this to me? I just wanna relax, man!

"Dear Pikachu,

I was sad to hear that you were going to do anymore fan mail. If you..._stutters_ If you can find the time, please try to do another one."

Well, gee, that won't be so hard now, will it?! Here's your Pikachu Fan Mail!! Ahhhh, there's ash everywhere! It's all been burned...!

"Dear Pikachu,

I don't wanna see the red-headed chick naked. I don't wanna see you naked. I don't wanna see anything naked. I just thought I'd like to tell ya that."

Well, that's nice. That's really nice..._groans in pain_ I got an ash in my eye...

Couldn't you people at least change the set or something? Fix this place up!

_(Off scene:_ It's not in the budget, man.

I don't care if it's not in the budget! This place is filthy!

"Dear Pikachu,

In the last Pikachu Fan Mail, why did you burn all the fan mail?"

You know, looking back on it now, I have no idea. You'd figure these people would get the message like 'You know what? Seems our little friend here Pikachu doesn't wanna answer any more mail...' Set the place on fire, and what happens? They just send ya right back in to answer more fa-...oh g-...I can't even go on anymore. I'm not doing anymore fan mail until there's a new set. You fucking son of a bitches, oh god! And for those of you out there who are just gonna say 'I didn't like this Pikachu Fan Mail. It wasn't as good as the other fan mail.' Well, you know what? You try going through a thousand email's a day! See what happens to your brain then!! Then you end up like this guy here! You see!! You don't want that happening to you!! Stay away...stay away...

(END)


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Pokémon and Neurotically Yours belong to their respective owners.

Pikachu Fan Mail 6

Pikachu: welcome one and all to the new set of dun dun dun dun dun dun duuuuuunnn! Pikachu fan mail! Yeah thats right the entire set's been updated. We got new computers, we got new shit on the wall, and a cap-o-chino machine! Ah shits the best. Yeah it set us back a bit, but dammit! when I'm up all night answering fuckin emails. I need my caffeine! Alright so instead of giving you a fuckin tour, lets get straight to the emails!. This one I've been holding onto for quite some time.

Dear Pikachu:  
I've been on the fatkins diet for 3 years, and I have no problems. And I like the diet, and I don't think the comments you made in the fatkins cartoon was true…blah blah blah you get the basic idea. Another freaky motherfucker from the fuckin fatkins choir.  
It's people like this you cannot reason with, because no matter what you say they still think your wrong. So, here's my response

Dear Carb-counting Jerk-Off  
Since your brain has been deprived of carbs for so long, there's no way to reason with you, because the logic section of your brain has been rotted away! If you don't like my comments on the fatkins diet, go cry in a bowl of meat, and leave me the fuck alone! Just remember when your 35-40 years old and you're clutching your chest, from a heart attack, trying to dial 911, remember the words of Pikachu! As you pass out onto the floor, and regurgitate 5 pounds of meat that was stuck in your fuckin colon. You fat bastard  
P.S. stop trying to champion a dead mans diet. Nobody gives two shits about your fatkins propaganda, keep that fuckin mindless information to yourself. You fuckin mindless zombie piece of shit. Choke on some bacon and die! I'm gonna go eat some Twinkies, and enjoy them, without having to hear some fuckin carb counting redneck, shouting in my ear by some moron who doesn't have the self esteem to be themselves. Go fuck yourself and die TWICE!  
signed  
your carb eating friend  
Pikachu

ok! Now that these carb assholes are outta the way again, I'm gonna go have a Twinkie now! TWINKIES FOR ALL! Next letter!

Dear Pikachu  
Do you think you will ever get a new Pikachu fan mail set?

heheh…well

Dear Pikachu  
why don't you have a girlfriend?

oh jeez here we go

Dear hopeless romantic  
I don't have a girlfriend because I don't need to validate my existence through the existence of somebody else. Having a girlfriend does not make you a better person, nor does it prove to the rest of your friends that you're cool., I'm personally 100 confident in my own personality, to be able to live a viable existence without having to have a fuckin leech clinging to my wallet! The rest of humanity would do well to follow the example of Pikachu! Stop getting into superficial relationship bullshit. Most of the individuals misery usually comes from a significant other, a bad relationship, a bad marriage, or some bullshit like that. How about getting to know yourself, and living life? See! Supreme logic from the supreme being! meha!

Dear Pikachu  
I'm a writer and I would like to write a cartoon

Dear aspiring writer  
I do not need someone who doesn't know me, and doesn't know my character, putting words into my mouth. I don't need to be sitting around memorizing lines, and. You know, talking and shit like that .Most of this is unscripted anyway, so your work has no use here. That's right I said unscripted, like this!  
Whoa!!! Doin some actions that are not scripted. Makin it up as I go along!   
you see? Improv! Doesn't anyone do improv any more? Anyway in short, I don't want your scripts. If you wanna be a creative writer, and make up stories, go work for the New York times.

Thank you for watching,  
Your unscripted lord and master  
Pikachu

And until next time, my minions, my friends! This is Pikachu, signing off!

END


	7. Marill Postmark

Disclaimer: Pokémon and Neurotically Yours belong to their respective owners.

Pikachu Fan Mail 7

Marill Postmark

Marill:

Today is the day of the taking over of the fan mail…. since my head seems to be in demand it all must be known that your letters are here and to soon be discovered by all through my mouth………

Misty: What the hell did you say?

Marill: I read your letters

Dear Marill…. My class-mates don't like me…what do I do?

What's there to do when you're hated by most for your head of differentness….. no one is more important than the person inside your face, so listen to that brain dweller and all will be known that the classmates will all die poor munchkins as you flourish through individuality as a medicated side-kick…… like an Ed McMann with cookies.

Misty: Yeah, that's helpful….

Marill: Well thank you…..helpful is my middle name…..

Dear Marill….. I would like to see Misty naked

Misty: I thought we were over this….

Marill: Unfortunately no nudy for you baby wiener….. the flabbiness of asses shall remained covered from your nose and the bouncing bosom of lactation will be unknow to your eyes which shall soon be stabbed from your head for idiotic letters made to the wrong address…..

No nudy for the booby

Misty: You people are pigs

Marill: Dear Marill…. Why do you take so much medication?

Misty: This should be good….

Marill: I would like to know too….

Marill: The reason of the massive medication to my earlobe lies in the unknown placebos needed for the diseases of psychosomatic notions that were picked up through the Internet as my asses went for a walk through an area of unclean babies who pukey heads went spinning as I slapped each one shutted upped until the baby rattles reined supreme for all to see when the spinning iris of my pupil said hello to the prescriber of drugs it was then known that all would be well unless it wasn't.

Misty: I like the word...spiffy...

Marill: Spiffy is like Jiffy when it gone done popped like a corn kernel who sells chicken through the legs of his illegal employees that lie South of the border... down Mexico way...

this letter is for you...

Misty: Dear Misty... I would like you to suck my balls...please find...my balls...enclosed... (picks up two golf balls)...I really hate perverted word-play

Marill: You may play with any word you like...it's the rules.

Misty: I can't take this anymore... talking to you makes me fell like Alice in Wonderland... tumbling down the rabbit hole into the unknown...spooky!

Marill: In the rabbit hole lies urine and chewed carrots and little tiny raisin doody.

Misty: Ew…..how much longer is this going to go on?

Marill: It goes for as long as the letters are unanswered so answer your letter and make happy with the kindness.

Misty: I actually have to respond to this ball sucking letter?

Marill: It's the law….. if letters are written a response is rewarded for all fans are better than the sum of their equal feet….. and you can't leave until you do...like the broccoli you never ate, it doesn't love you anymore.

Misty: Ugh…Dear Pervert…. Take your balls and shove them up your ass….there….I'm done.

Marill: Noooooo! You have to be nice to the specially handicapped fans of mentally disordered like I might be one day when I'm old...niceness is my command.

Misty: Idiot... Dear Pervert... I sucked on your balls last night and found them to be quite filthy…. for future reference, please clean your balls before sending them to me to be sucked… asshole.

Marill: Is that nice?

Misty: As nice as I get with jackasses like this.

Marill: Very good with the muy bien.

END


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Pokémon and Neurotically Yours belong to their respective owners.

Pikachu Fan Mail 8

More mail from the masses! How they adore me so!

"Dear Pikachu what the hell happened to Misty's head? She looks completely different" Ahhh.. I knew this would come up. Well, apparently the creator of this cartoon was sick and tired of having Misty look like a rejected Simson's character. So he went all silly like and changed shit around. Frankly she's a secondary character and it doesn't matter what she looks like. So don't get your ass-hole all in a knot over this. At least she doesn't look like bad Tim Burton doodle anymore. DAMN she was ugly!! And crudely drawn! Anyway I'm sure her face, as well as other secondary characters, are going to change somewhere down the line. The creator is picky and likes to fuck with shit, just to be annoying, so bare with his idiocy. PS Misty still has a fat ass, so fear not, her giggly butt is still intact.

Next letter! "Dear Pikachu, do you really eat bagels?" C'MON! You know I do! "Dear Pikachu, In October when you had the Pikachu-look-alike contest, how come the pictures I submitted didn't win?" Ohhhhh! "Dear Annie Lebowitz, well there's a simple explanation for this: you sent in pictures of a damn cat! Am I a cat? NO! I am not a cat: I don't look like a cat, I don't think like a cat, and I don't know any cat that has a t-shit with the logo "Pikachu Wrath" on it! P-I-K-A-C-H-U!" Ooooooook…

I smell ink from… the next letter! Let's see… Ah Geese this is an old one "Dear Pikachu, I didn't get my Pikachu DVD in time for Christmas and now I hate you because you didn't ship on time." Ohhh… "Dear fart collector; it is not my fault that your poor planning led you to order the Pikachu DVD one day before Christmas. Unless I had a time machine there wasn't a chance in hell that is was going to get to you in time. So don't blame me with your lack of forethought and perpetual procrastination. IDIOT! And frankly anyone who thinks Christmas is ruined because they didn't get a gift doesn't know the true meaning of Christmas and is a shallow, greedy ass-hole. PS Go kill yourself! Signed: Your Lord and Master, Pikachu"... Merry Christmas fucker!

Next! "Dear Pikachu, Have you spoken to God lately?" God? What the? Why does Jesus keep emailing me? Ok that's it! I'm done! Damn religious man! Ruins everything!

END


End file.
